One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room’s only window

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.

Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats.. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band – he could see it in his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.’

Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’t buy.

‘Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present .’

THANKS TO OUR FRIENDS AT: ManifestMastermindBlog.com

birds mate for life – unfortunately we don’t

things to consider when divorce is inevitable…

Collaborative law attorneys Carla Calabrese and Paula Larsen will demystify the divorce process and share their thoughts on resolving divorces using the collaborative law process – what it is, how it works, and why clients should consider using it. Carla and Paula will also discuss common problems facing clients in divorce. Questions will be welcome both during and after their presentation!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

meet & greet 5:30 – program runs from 6:00-7:30

Mattitos Uptown – 3011 Routh St. (at Cedar Springs)

refreshments, information, q&a, LPC & LMFT CEUs*

$25 per person – space is limited

Carla Calabrese, founder of Calabrese Huff, has more than twenty years’ experience in family law. Carla believes strongly in helping couples restructure their families through divorce in the most emotionally healthy way possible.  To that end, Carla focuses her practice on collaborative divorce.  Carla was named by her Collaborative Law Institute of Texas peers as one of 5 Exceptional Collaborative Practitioners in Texas and one of 5 Collaborative Practitioners in Texas Making a Difference in the Collaborative Law Community.  She has been named a Best Lawyer in America for both family law and collaborative family law for the past five years. Carla was also honored by D Magazine as one of the best lawyers in Dallas for six years, as  recently as 2012.  This honor is bestowed upon those chosen by a vote of other Dallas family lawyers. Texas Monthly magazine also named Carla for the last 10 years as a Texas SuperLawyer, as well as a Top 50 Female Texas SuperLawyer in 2004 and 2006. Carla is married with two children. Contact carla: carla@calabresehuff.com

A partner in the law firm of GoransonBain, Paula Larsen has more than thirty years of experience in family law, including eleven years as a judge in the family courts. Paula is committed to using the collaborative process, an innovative approach for the amicable resolution of divorce without litigation. Paula was named as the Dallas Collaborative Family Lawyer of the Year in 2011 by The Best Lawyers in America. Board Certified in family law since 1985 and consistently featured in The Best Lawyers in America since 1997, Paula was selected by Thomson Reuters for inclusion in the list of “Top 50 Women Attorneys in Texas”, printed in Texas Monthly for Years, 2003-2011.

Contact Paula: plarsen@gbfamilylaw.com

rsvp maddie cohen – madeline.cohen.lifeworks@gmail.com or call 214.357.4001 and pre-pay by credit card to reserve your spot now!

*The LifeWorks Group is an approved LPC and LMFT CEU provider. Check with your state board to see if this event will qualify for CEU credits for your license.

First – and most important! If you are going to carry a weapon, make sure it is legal, you know how to use it, and it is a good fit for you personally.

Also, do not hesitate to call 911 and get help.  But don’t jeopardize your immediate safety to do so and make sure you have the proper information for them to find you.

When entering a parking lot:

1. Always have a plan, well rehearsed, of what you will do in the event of an attack.
2. Try not to wear clothing that will make escape difficult.  Wear un-restrictive clothing and low-heels or tennis shoes.  (Women – remember you can always keep a pair in the car, or kick your heels off and go).
3. Drive one lap around the parking lot and get a feel for your safety.  What does your gut tell you?  If there is hesitation, leave and go elsewhere.
4. Always back into a parking space and park close to stairwells and elevators in parking garages.  Never park by shrubbery or walls and make sure the area is well lit.
5. Always remember where you parked.

Returning to your vehicle:

1. Try not to carry too much -  and walk “big.”  Big means head up and with confidence.
2. Focus on your vehicle and your surroundings.
3. Have your car key on a separate key chain, away from other keys.  This avoids fumbling and creates movement with a purpose.  Have a whistle on that key chain.
4. If you sense trouble, move towards crowds and areas of light.  Be sure to bring attention to yourself.
5. Look into your car, in the back seats and on the floor.  Get in, lock doors and turn on the lights.  Don’t sit there and fish through your bag for your phone and lipstick!  Move to safety and THEN get pretty and make your calls.
6. Keep your car in good running condition, always with at least ¼ to ½ of a tank of gas.
7. Be aware and alert.  Always.  Tiny clues are sometimes the most important.

As a child, and as a young man, I found myself in many situations where my safety was compromised. Many factors contributed to this, including where and how I grew up. My years in the military, in particular, taught me to expect and prepare for the worst. I have a handful of bodily reminders of some of my more memorable encounters with danger.

So here I am at the precious age of 37, wiser than I was before and ready to learn more (as I always say).  It would seem that we all get to that moment where we think to ourselves…”Wow that was close; there was a much more terrible outcome that could have happened there.”

Sometimes, we get our chance to walk away and sometimes we do not.  Our mission is to minimize threats against us and maximize the threat we pose to those that wish to do us harm.  In order to do this, we need to own the controllable factors in our lives and prepare for the ones we can’t control.

All of this starts with awareness.  The great military commander Sun-Tzu, a young contemporary of Confucius, called this tactic The Survey.  Awareness is a tactic.  Sun-Tzu said, “Every battle is won before it is ever fought.”  Even if your mission is simply getting to and from the grocery store – surveying the situation could one day save your life.

Awareness is like a hula-hoop, it’s all around us if we wear it right.  Awareness is a tactic and a skill that we can practice.  Practice memorizing license plates.  You can make this a game with your children.  Remember interesting people that you see and draw them, again an activity that could be made fun with little children.  Think to yourself, “If I was doing this at night, or alone, what would the threat potential be?” The idea is not to live in fear, but to maintain a level of preparation and awareness that is actually liberating.

When faced with a situation where his awareness led him to doubt and delay, Pete Blaber, a former Delta Force Commander who hunted Osama Bin Laden, would imagine the unimaginable, and then do everything to avoid it.  Blaber would say, “When in doubt, develop the situation.”  Take the facts that you do have, throw in your instincts, experience, and your gut feeling, and then act.

Melanie’s post displayed the most effective kind of awareness.  It is an awareness that worked for the given situation, but may not work for the next.  It’s an awareness that brought others in and made them more aware.  It’s an awareness that is a call for us all to do more.  A call to be more aware.

- Jeremy Lanning

Here’s what happened:

At about 11:00 pm Saturday night I was on my way home after supper with friends and remembered I needed a few things from the grocery store. I stopped at the Flagship Tom Thumb at the corner of NW Highway and Central.  They are open until 2 a.m. on weekend nights – I figured I’d get in, pick up what I needed, and be on my way.

The parking lot had only  two or three cars in it – except the employee cars parked at the other end of the lot – far away from the store.  I parked under a light, away from the other vehicles, close to the door. As I parked, I saw a man get out of an SUV one lane over, slam the door and stomp into the store.  He was white, late 40′s, 6” and had a belly on him.  His hair was brownish blonde and messy.  He was wearing  khakis, an untucked shirt that was a little too small, and flip flops. He didn’t even glance in my direction. It was chilly outside and he’d obviously dressed in a hurry without considering the weather.  I figured he’d been sent to the store to get who-knows-what and immediately dismissed him as a threat.

I had a cloth grocery bag with me with some clothes and my iPad in it. I shoved the iPad to the bottom of the bag and stuck it in the back of my car, out of sight.

Having just come from supper, I was dressed in spike heels, a skirt and blouse and a leather jacket.  I was wearing a nice necklace and watch and my diamond ring. I was carrying my fabulous cherry red Michael Kors bag which is, well, massive.  Inside the bag I had my iPhone and other sundries and a wallet with about $100 cash, four credit cards, my driver’s license and my insurance ID card.  Also in the wallet was the instruction manual for the security system at my house.  What WASN’T in my bag were the two items I should have been carrying: my pepper spray (with dye to mark the attacker – you can get it at Bees Keys in Dallas) and my pink Taser, which was a Christmas gift from thoughtful girlfriends.  I had forgotten to return these two items to my handbag after my last plane trip. The Taser was in the charger at home.

As I got out of my car and began the short walk to the store, a silver, slightly beat-up four-door sedan – maybe a Honda or a Toyota – drove past me. The rear window rolled down and a young Hispanic male stuck his face out the window and made a lewd face at me.  I noticed there were four people in the car – all with similar coloring – who appeared to be the same age – maybe early twenties, possibly younger – who seemed to be agitated, talking to each other and looking at me.  A young woman was driving the car, a young man was in the passenger seat and then there was my admirer in the back on the passenger side. The other person in the car was a young woman, sitting in the rear on the driver’s side.

It seemed odd to me that a boy would make such an obscene gesture in front of the girls he was out with.  They all craned their necks to look at me as they drove in front of me.  Somehow I had managed to catch some unwanted attention.

I continued my walk to the store, noting that there were two men sitting at one of the tables outside of the store who took didn’t glance up as I walked in.  One was a twentyish African American man in a sweatshirt with the hood up. The other was white, older, out-of-shape and dumpy looking, wearing a wind-breaker jacket with a round patch on it.  They were having coffee and were enjoying a conversation.

Remembering my iPad in the back seat, I stepped just inside the sliding doors, positioned myself behind a Dr. Pepper display (I’m not kidding) and watched the parking lot through the front window of the store.  By then, the silver car had swung around and parked next to my car – though the entire lot was empty.  They had parked very close to my car, on the driver’s side – so that I had to strain even to be sure it was there.  Their lights remained on.  I watched for several minutes.  No one got out of the car.  I concluded that if they had pulled over to get groceries, someone would be in the store by now. If they had stopped for some other reason, they  had a hundred parking places to choose from. Why park beside me? On the driver’s side? So that I would have to walk between my car and theirs to get in my car?  Everything about the situation felt wrong to me.

I walked into the store, trying to decide what to do.  I briefly convinced myself I was over-reacting. I only needed a couple of things at the store. The checker was sitting there with nothing to do. I could be in and out in no time.

I walked further into the store, looking for the policeman who is usually there during the day.  Maybe I’d get my groceries and have him walk me out.  No cop.

My gut told me to turn around.  The lemons, milk and paper towels would be there tomorrow.

I left the store and walked directly to the two men sitting at the tables. “Is there a security guard here?” The older man – missing a couple of teeth and looking like he needed to do some pushups and maybe go on SlimFast – identified himself as the security guard.  I considered the situation.  Four twenty-year-olds against Mr. SlimFast and me didn’t seem like great odds. The young man sitting with him was alert and listening at this point, though.  Plus the store has video cameras in plain view all over the parking lot.

I glanced at my car. The silver car was still sitting there, lights off now. All four people were still in the car.  I could see them watching us.

I told the guard and the other man the situation and asked the guard if he would walk me to my car. He agreed, of course, and walked me over. I made a point to walk confidently with my keys in one hand and my other hand in my bag.  I wanted them to wonder what I had in there.

As we neared the car, I noticed that all four people in the car continued watching us with a look on their faces I can only describe as hateful and aggressive.   It seemed obvious to me that they had waited for me, pegging me for an easy mark.

As I opened my car door, the guard said, “If they follow you, you drive straight to a police station.” I happen to know where the main station is downtown and knew exactly how to get there.

I got in the car, locked the doors, started my engine and drove off, then pulled over just before I left the lot to watch the silver car out of my rear view.  They had turned on their lights and were still sitting in their parking spot.  They sat for several minutes, then started the car and turned around to face my direction.  They paused, then turned around again and drove slowly out of the lot, going in the opposite direction from me.  I watched the car until I saw it turn left toward the light at NW Highway.  I turned the corner and watched the intersection until I saw the car pull onto NW Highway and head east.  I pulled back into the lot, turned around, went south on Caruth Haven and stopped at the light at Central.

Bad timing.  The silver car was at the same intersection to my left, on the access road.  I made a note of the shape and color of their headlights and then turned the corner on red, gunned it, and got on the highway, heading south toward my house (and also police headquarters).  I watched the rear view, changing lanes rapidly to get in the far left where I would have a better view and also create some distance between myself and anyone who got on the highway.  I saw the car get on the highway and I immediately put a truck between myself and them.  I was  able to keep an eye on them until I was far enough away that I knew they’d lost me.  I never saw the car again.

What I did right:

I stayed completely calm.  I had plenty of information and knew that the best thing I could do for myself  was to keep a clear head so that I could make good decisions.  I was determined that I would not get hurt that night and I intended to ensure my own safety.

I remembered previous stories of women who were attacked in that same parking lot, beaten severely, teeth broken, jaws shattered, handbags and jewelry stolen.  I did not assume I was safe because it’s a “safe neighborhood.” There is no such thing as a safe neighborhood.

I went at night.  This may seem counter-intuitive but consider this: if the same series of events had happened during the day, I would have dismissed the lewd gesture as merely rude and assumed that there were enough people around to deter any potential violence.  Wrong – the other attacks I know about happened in broad daylight.  If there had been more cars in the lot, I would never have known whether or not they had even parked, much less that they had parked right next to me and stayed in the car.

I picked a good parking place.  Under a light, in clear view of the store and the men who were sitting at the tables.

I was observant – The reason I included so much detail in this story is that all details are important. Each detail allows you not only to assess the situation accurately, but to give evidence later, should the need arise. Note: the race of the people I described is irrelevant – which is why I included it.  Relevant information has to do with DEMEANOR, not ethnicity.  Any one of the individuals in this story could have been dangerous, hypothetically.  Only the people in the car acted in such a way to convince me they  actually were dangerous.

I wasn’t afraid to watch the car. I was behind a display inside the store, directly under a security camera, so I knew I was safe at that moment.  I also knew that if they were watching me, they would know I had not walked all the way into the store and could be watching them.  I knew they’d be less likely to do anything if they thought they were being observed.  I also wanted them to know they had picked the wrong woman.  I wanted to let them know that I knew what they were up to and was not afraid to protect myself.

I wasn’t worried about seeming rude or racist. If my safety is concerned, I’ll be rude rather than risk my life. This should be obvious but most women will choose the latter.

I looked for a cop.  When there wasn’t one, I found a security guard.

I wasn’t afraid to over-react or look foolish by asking for help.  The security guard is there to provide safety for me. It’s what he does for a living.  Every cop I know says this – call the cops, ask the guard – don’t take your safety into your hands out of fear of over-reacting or looking foolish. They are there to provide for our safety.  They WANT you to ask for help. Let them do their job.

I didn’t just drive off and assume everything was okay. I stayed to see if they were watching me leave.  When they realized I knew they were still there, they seemed to reconsider their plans and left.  When I spotted them again, I  concluded that they might not have given up on their objective and then conducted myself accordingly.

I was observant about the car – down to the details of the headlights – so that I would know if I was being followed.

I knew my way around the city and was confident I could navigate my way to safety.  I mapped out a route to the police station in my head and had my iPhone ready to call 911 once I got in the car.

I listened to my gut. This is the MOST IMPORTANT THING.  I felt unsafe and I decided my instincts were good enough to warrant action.  I am certain I was right.  Everything about their behavior suggested they were a threat.

What I did wrong:

I left a bag with valuables in the car.  Duh. Enough said.

I was not carrying the safety equipment I owned.  I have the pepper spray and the Taser because I know so many cops and federal agents who have helped me with my books.  They all – 100% of them – believe in being equipped and prepared to defend yourself. I wasn’t. A Taser and a can of pepper spray could do me no good since I’d left them sitting at home behind a locked door.

I had my security system information – but not the code to my alarm – in my wallet. I had a good reason for carrying it with me that night, but still, it was a risk.

I did not get out my phone and have 911 ready to dial until AFTER I had driven away.  I should have done that the minute I sensed trouble.

I didn’t use my car alarm.  I could have set off the alarm while I was standing in the store.  I doubt they would have stuck around, since there were so few cars in the lot.

I didn’t call 911.  I could have done that and waited for the police to arrive rather than trusting an out of shape security guard.  If I had called the cops, they would have come and, if the car was still sitting there, would have questioned the people in the car and either instructed them to move on or arrested them if there was cause to do so.  Those people drove off last night.  Did they choose another victim?

I played the odds when I decided to walk to the car.  It turned out I was right, but the odds were stacked against me. They could have been armed, on drugs, and were young enough not to consider long-term consequences of their actions. As it was, they chose not to act – probably because I was no longer alone and my vulnerability was no longer a given.

I never looked to see if the security guard was armed.  My assumption in hindsight is that he was not.

I didn’t get the license plate of the car or full details of the make and model.  If that information had been necessary later, I would have been unable to provide it.

I hadn’t gotten around to taking that safety course I’ve been thinking about taking.  My cop friends have taught me a few tricks to free myself or fight someone off if I’m attacked, but I was not fully prepared for the worst.

This is not a story about paranoia. It is a story about awareness, observation and intelligent assessment of a potentially dangerous situation. I did some things right. I made some mistakes. But I walked away unharmed.  I’m quite certain that would not have been the case had I not trusted my instincts.

If you haven’t already read it, I recommend The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect us From Violence by Gavin DeBecker. The premise of the book is that every woman should be alert to details at all times and more concerned with her safety than with being polite or seeming foolish.  DeBecker insists you should always trust your gut. If the hairs go up on the back of your neck, there’s a reason.

Stay tuned for information about an upcoming personal safety course offered by the Lifeworks Group. We will post date, location, and other details on this blog and on our facebook page.

Thanks for reading – and be safe out there!

melanie