Do you have the Essentials of a Healthy Marriage?
- Is your marriage energized by curiosity? Or stagnated by boredom?
- Is sitting across the table from one another and sharing the details of your day something to look forward to?
- Do you still find your partner interesting? Are there still things you want to know all about one another?
- Do you find now that you can sometimes go an entire evening without saying a word to one another?
- When you walk in the door at the end of the day, is a fight already brewing?
- Do you trump up expectations that are commonly met with disappointment?
If you answered yes to the last three, the missing element in your marriage is curiosity. When you cease to be curious about the ones you love, the relationship stagnates…instantly. Open your mind.
- Do you and your spouse share healthy transparent emotion? Or do you act out your feelings in hurtful, destructive ways?
- Do you share your thoughts and feelings openly with your partner?
- Do you ask curious questions about your spouse’s thoughts and feelings?
- Do you provide a safe environment in your marriage where feelings are validated and handled responsibly?
- Do you and your spouse have a great deal of difficulty identifying and communicating your feelings?
- Do you shout at one another?
- Do you indulge in the destructive habit of name-calling?
- Do you indulge in evidence wars and power struggles?
If you answered yes to the last four questions, please seek help immediately. Marital therapy can help tremendously!
Communication can be learned! Most of the time, we act out our feelings rather than talk about them. Slamming the door, for instance, is very different from saying, “I’m angry and I’m not sure I can talk about this right now. I need some time to cool off.”
Usually, when we talk to our spouses, we concentrate on information, facts, or opinions rather than sharing the simple truth of the heart. Especially when the heat is on. “You’re late again” is very different from “When you don’t come home, I miss you and I worry about you.” The first sentence most often leads to conflict or distance. The second, if used wisely, can lead to connection and compassion.
Strong communication skills based in curiosity and emotional transparency can change a lonely, conflict-laden marriage into a connective, intimate marriage in no time.
- Is your marriage characterized by mutual commitment and goodwill? Or do you find yourself in a constant, destructive tug-of-war?
- Do you give each other the benefit of the doubt?
- Do you put down your weapons and pick up your tools when you argue?
- Do you cultivate connection and intimacy?
- Are you committed to your partner’s well-being in an other-centered and self-sacrificial way?
- Or are you committed to keeping the marriage “together” but not to having an intimate marriage?
- Do you find that your marriage is “together” geographically and legally, but that you’re just roommates?
- Do you fight over control and engage in pointless power struggles?
If you answered yes to the last three questions, don’t be afraid to ask for help! Most marital problems brew for years before anyone is brave enough to call a counselor. At LifeWorks, we believe that most marriages can be saved, if both parties are willing to do the work!
Marital therapy can help even the most conflict-laden marriages recover from years of distance and pain. Don’t give up!
If your marriage is not what you want it to be, we recommend these LifeWorks counselors:
Please call or email LifeWorks for more information, or to make an appointment.
Resources:
How to Survive Infidelity
AAMFT on Infidelity
American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Marriage Enrichment
The Marriage Boot Camp
Growth Trac, A Non-Profit Marriage Enrichment Agency
